Married With Business

By Shannon Scully

You vowed on your wedding day to love each other for better or worse and for richer or poorer. If you're in business with your spouse, little did you know those promises would be tough ones to keep. Running a small business is stressful enough, without adding the deep emotions involved in a marriage. But who else better to run a business with than the person you trust most in the world? The one who knows you better than you know yourself sometimes. And the one who can read your handwriting. "It's a natural. Husbands and wives have worked together forever," says Dr. Kathy Marshack, a licensed psychologist and family business counselor and author of Entrepreneurial Couples: Making It Work at Work and at Home. Though it's not always easy to work with your spouse, the couples on the following pages will tell you that the end result is a closer marriage and a thriving business.

Divide So You Don't Conquer Each Other

Susan Goss spends most of her time in the kitchen, while her husband, Drew, entertains the guests. Their system works--and it's not because he's a male chauvinist. It's because as owners of a 70-seat neighborhood bistro in Chicago, the Gosses learned years ago that dividing responsibilities was the best approach.

"I have nothing to do with recipe development," says Drew, who opened West Town Tavern (www.WestTownTavern.com) with his wife last May. "I do all the financial stuff, and she runs the kitchen. Having our areas of specialty gives us each more confidence."

Teamwork may produce great results, but divvying up duties usually makes for happier marriages among entrepreneurial couples.

"It's a challenge to turn one part of the business over to your spouse," says Susan. "Sometimes I'll walk out into the dining area and notice the lighting level doesn't seem right. But I have to remember that I'm not the one out there all night long. It would be like Drew coming into the kitchen and asking what we're doing with a chicken."

"A lot of couples divide responsibilities," says Dr. Marshack.

Dividing work comes naturally for some couples. One spouse excels at marketing, the other is a born number-cruncher. When that happens, division lines are easy to recognize.

Rick and Maria Sarmiento let their personalities determine their roles at their IT-consulting business, Interactive Business Technologies (www.InteractiveBT.com). A self-described extrovert, Rick handles the sales and strategic planning, while Maria oversees the implementation of projects.

"Finding our roles was a top priority from the beginning," says Rick, who started the Valencia, Calif.-based company with his wife in 1999. "We evaluated our strengths and let those push us in the right direction."

Working together helped the Gosses recognize each other's strengths early on in their 22-year marriage. "We were in a situation where we had to depend on each other," says Susan. "Opening the business forced us to understand more about what the other could do."

Letting strengths dictate responsibility makes sense. But problems arise, says Dr. Marshack, when the division of duties automatically follows the path of traditional gender roles, with no thought to individual skills.

"When he's the leader and decision-maker, and she's the secretary and gopher, it often causes problems," she says. Some couples split up jobs within their businesses, because they recognize the toll that constant togetherness might take on their marriages.

For the health of their 20-year marriage, Karla and Kaudel Dieter of K&K Sound (www.kksound.com) in Coos Bay, Ore., realized they needed to work separately.

"We try to have clearly defined responsibilities, because we don't work together extremely well," says Karla, who positioned her office down the hall from her husband's. "We didn't want fights over our business to invade our private life. So I do my thing, and he does his."

Unlike a sole small business owner, entrepreneurial couples must establish a system for making decisions together. What happens when you don't agree? The upside is that you're used to sorting out options together. You've already made big decisions together in your married life, such as buying a house, raising children, even starting a business together. Use the same process for decisions about the future of your business.

Martine Lancombe and Marc Michels won't take a major step in their pet food business, Kosher Pets (www.KosherPets.com), unless they're both confident it's the right one.

"We both have to agree about whatever we do," says Marc. "Sometimes I'll want it this way, and she'll want it that way. We keep kicking it around until we usually realize that neither way is exactly right. That's what makes us a strong couple."

Get a Life

All work and no play makes for a dull life, and an even bleaker marriage. That's more true for couples in business together.

As a small business owner you rarely escape from your company. And if you work with your spouse, there's no one at home who can offer an outside perspective after you've unloaded the events of a rotten day.

"Couples in business together have an increased level of stress, so they have to find ways to relieve it even more than the average married couple," says Dr. Markshack. Getting away from the business occasionally and seeing your spouse as the person you married rather than the person you work with is vital.

"Every couple needs to get away from the business at least once a week. Go for a walk, get a massage, do something fun," says Marshack.

Ernie and Wendy Mayo, owners of the Wilmington, N.C., Express Personnel Services franchise (www.expresspersonnel.com), find calmness in their lives on the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. At least once a week, the Mayos and their 4-year-old son, Zack, escape for a few hours on their 30-foot fishing boat, which they named Express Personnel after their temporary and permanent staffing business.

"We do a lot of fishing together," says Ernie. "It's something we both enjoy, and it's something we can do with our son."

Having spent so much time together during the work week, some couples may prefer time for individual hobbies and projects on the weekends. Not the Mayos.

"We're best friends. We do everything together, even in our down time," says Wendy, who has started two other franchise Express Personnel offices with her husband.

Not all outings have to involve an ocean and a boat. Just setting aside a few hours a week to read a book, cook dinner or visit with friends will help relieve some of the tension you both bring home.

Carlos and Sierra Munoz, owners of The Storage Depot in Ft. Pierce, Fla., have a standing date each Wednesday night.

"We go to a movie and then we have dinner afterward," says Sierra, who started a moving and storage business in New Jersey with her husband almost 21 years ago.

"It's really helpful to have the break in the middle of the week," she says. "We come to work together, we leave together, and we're at the office about 11 hours a day. If we didn't give ourselves a break, we wouldn't be pleasant."

Finding time to spend on yourself is as difficult as finding a few minutes to enjoy as a couple. Because entrepreneurial couples spend much more time together than other married people, personal time is important too.

Every now and then, Marc Michels and Martine Lacombe reward each other with a day off from their pet food company. One benefit of owning a business together is that one spouse can get away while the other keeps the doors open.

"Once in a while, one of us will get the day off--away from the house, the company, the baby, the garden," says Martine, who started the company in 2001 with her husband after their dog got sick from regular pet food.

Kaudel and Karla Dieters' internal body clocks help them find time alone. The Dieters, who manufacture and sell amplification equipment for acoustical instruments, started K&K Sound in 1984.

"I get up in the morning and do yoga, but he likes to sleep as long as he can," says Karla, who usually leaves for the office about 10 minutes after her husband wakes up. "You've got to have some privacy. You cannot spend 24 hours a day together."

One Way or the Other

Ernie and Wendy Mayo say there isn't a time when they can't talk about their business. At lunch, at night or on their boat. If there's a problem with the business, they discuss it.

"The business is our family, and that's a good thing for us," says Wendy.

Rick and Maria Sarmiento take an opposite approach. They draw a sharp line between home and office. "When we're at work, we put on our work hat. When we're a home, it's different," says Rick.

The Sarmientos even developed a way to vent at the end of the day, without technically bringing problems home from the office. "When we go home at night, we have no one to complain to about the people we work with," says Maria, who uses her maiden name professionally. "So I tell Husband Rick about what a jerk Work Rick was that day." Silly as it sounds, it works for them. "It allows us to disagree in the office environment and still be able to close the door and go home without carrying all that negative energy," says Rick.

Marc Michels and Martine Lacombe of Kosher Pets maintain silos between being husband and wife and the partners in a small business.

"It's a challenge, but we try to keep the two apart," says Marc. "There comes a point in our day where we say, ‘That's it. No more business.' And then we talk like any other married couple, about the baby, the neighbors and chores around the house."

"We try to do this because your business partner and your spouse are two different people," says Martine. "You want your spouse to be a friend and a fun person." Leaving a restaurant behind at the end of the day is almost impossible, according to the Gosses. "This business is so pervasive," says Susan. "People always want to talk about the restaurant. If I were an attorney, people wouldn't want to talk about my work so much."

Luckily for the Gosses, they love owning a restaurant and don't mind it spilling into their home life. "If you love your work, then you don't mind if home and work aren't so divided."

All Talk

Susan Goss used to get her feelings hurt if her husband was critical of something at their restaurant. "I internalize everything," she says. "But I had to learn that if Drew wanted to change something, he wasn't necessarily mad at me."

Learning to communicate effectively when you own a business together is as important as learning how to deposit money into your bank account. But, like many marriages, entrepreneurial couples often have trouble voicing their feelings to their partners.

"Communication problems are the number one complaint among couples in business together," says Dr. Marshack. "Communication snags that any married couple faces are multiplied when they work together."

For Susan and Drew, learning to be honest about problems they spotted at West Town Tavern saved them from sticky situations down the road. Drew sometimes pitches in managing the kitchen when the restaurant gets busy, which can lead to some tense moments.

"If he were someone other than my husband, I could snap back when he gets stressed. But I don't want to do that to him or say anything in front of our staff. I just have to realize that he doesn't think I'm not doing my job, he's just dealing with his own frustration."

Marc Michels and Martine Lacombe of Kosher Pets use a giant white board to communicate about the little things in their business. Messages for Martine are written with a pink marker, and Marc's notes are blue.

"When we're busy, we go hours without talking. If it's not important, we e-mail or write it on the board," says Martine.

Even though you're together most of the day, you probably rarely have time to really talk about much. Ernie and Wendy Mayo hash out their day at Express Personnel over dinner. To end things on a positive note, and to include their 4-year-old son in the conversation, they always ask each other, "What's the best thing that happened to you today?"

Drew and Susan Goss discuss their business over meals too. Since their restaurant opens for dinner, they often go to lunch together before heading to work. "It puts us in a positive state of mind, and that's when we have a majority of our discussions," says Susan.

Play Nicely

Before they started their business together, Rick and Maria Sarmiento heard horror stories from friends who had worked for married couples.

"They'd talk about the terrible experiences they'd had, how the husbands and wives had screamed at each other and fought in front of their employees," says Rick. "I wanted to be sure that didn't happen to us."

Respect is imperative to the success of any relationship. Having a knock-down-drag-out with your spouse at the office will not only complicate things at work, it will make them even worse at home.

"People tend to think they can let their hair down and say what they think to their spouse," says Dr. Marshack. "We want to feel like we're comfortable with our sweetheart. But you've got to be as proper and polite with your spouse as you would with anyone else."

Working together presents more opportunities for rifts than if you each went to different jobs each morning. Running a small business is stressful. And it's sometimes easy to lash out at the one you love.

"We take criticism 10 times harder when it comes from someone we love," says Dr. Marshack, who recommends offsetting critiques with extra praise.

"It's so much easier to say things to your spouse that you'd never say to anyone else," says Wendy Mayo.

Since Ernie and Wendy both understand the intricacies of their staffing company, they're better able to dial back sharp words they might have for each other. "I know this business, so I know how hard Ernie has to work every day. I try to be as supportive as I can."

Drew and Susan Goss never have to worry about arguments over who makes more money. They know they're both working as hard as they can toward a common goal.

"Having an income together precludes any idea of competition," says Susan. "We're both contributing to our livelihood."

Unlike other business partnerships, husbands and wives don't have to question the others' allegiance. The amount of trust needed in a marriage carries over into the business relationship.

"You have to trust that your spouse is working to the best of his ability," says Susan. "Any sign of competition with each other spells trouble."

Understanding the importance of respecting each other is different from actually living it out at the office every day. If your sales have fallen off or your office is short-staffed, it's easier for tempers to flare.

But stifling confrontations won't solve anything. You've got to find ways to work out differences without being rude to each other.

Kaudel and Karla Dieter moved their 19-year-old business from Germany to Coos Bay, Ore., seven years ago. Karla now speaks great English, but Kaudel has a little more trouble. "If I criticize his English, it leads to ugly conversations," says Karla.

To circumvent arguments over grammar, the Dieter's college-aged daughter now proofs her father's correspondence.

Every day is a challenge. What business or marriage isn't? But if you can work effectively together and still be in love at the end of the day, there's no greater accomplishment.

"There have been times I wanted to throw in the towel," says Maria Sarmiento. "But there is probably nothing else that could have brought us as close as we are today."

This article originally appeared in the February/March 2003 issue of MyBusiness magazine.